Coach Yourself: A Mindset Shifting Tool
The ability to coach yourself is a big part of professional & personal development.
Learning how to do it, what questions to ask, what prompts or gentle reminders to give yourself is an on-going and evolving process.
A few years ago I created The Coach Yourself Mindset Tool. Over the next 4 posts, I’m going to explore the 4 Questions in depth.
First Question - What is going/went well?
When evaluating a project and event, when faced with a challenge or obstacle, it seems to be the universal first instinct to pick apart the bad stuff (and don’t worry, we’ll get there). But first - give yourself a chance to look at what went/is going well.
When I work with clients in public speaking/presentation, one thing we’ll often do is evaluate a recent presentation. Generally, the first thing I hear is what went wrong -
”My pace was off.”
“I could tell people weren’t paying attention.”
“I was too monotone.”
”The tech was glitchy and it threw me off.”
Off clients go with a litany of self-critique. Same is true with Presence based and Leadership clients - “I’m not enough off….”, “I’m too…” Or they jump right in to difficulties with a relationship with a colleague - “He’s too aggressive.” “She doesn’t communicate with me.”
And, generally speaking, my first question is - What is working.
Surprisingly, this can often be a triggering or difficult question. We all get to a point where we refuse - some willfully, sometimes unconsciously - to acknowledge that there are things that are working. With the project, the performance, the position or the person. Often times, we’re too irritated, too self critical, too aligned with the negative to see it.
Being able to take a deep breath, sit back and take a more impersonal view of the situation is crucial.
To adjudicate it as if from the outside and perhaps admit that some things are going well, working well, and that it's not as awful as it seems, is a higher level cognitive thinking skill. It requires directing your thinking. Changing the lens on the filter.
Through millions of years of evolution our little amygdala, tucked up there in the brain, has been honed to look for danger.
We are wired for fear - to look for the negative. And our brain speeds down that path. And then we create stories - which often end badly. Asking yourself this Question: What is Working is like putting a speed bump in that neural highway.
How to use this Question:
When you find yourself speeding down the super highway of self-critique or getting lost in a fog of negativity - Ask yourself this question What worked/is working about this situation?
If you have trouble coming up with an answer - sit up, take a breath, drop your shoulders and ask again. What is going well? It can be teeny tiny! It can be be something silly! It can be something that no one but you may acknowledge.
But find one thing positive you can say.
This will help build some new neural networks. It will, over time, become a habit. For me, it’s like a quiet whisper now…"okay, but what is working?” when I catch my thoughts darkening regarding a certain dimension of my life or when I think I’ve run into an insurmountable challenge.
Bonus Points - Breathe it in. Breathe in the good thought. The small win, no matter how tiny. If you’re familiar with the practice of Tapping - do some bi-lateral tapping to really sink it in the psyche.
Next Blog with explore the Second of the 4 Questions in the Coach Yourself Mindset Tool.